No one is perfect, least of all me.  If I know this to be true, why do I hold my dates to such high standards?  When I think about the loves of my life that I will endlessly adore - I never think of the things that annoy me.  I remember their long dark eyelashes, strong hands, soft lips, infectious laugh, freckles on their shoulders and most importantly, how they made me feel. Why, when I am IN a relationship, do I focus on the negative?  I find myself looking at the cracks and problems and over analyzing... instead of gleaming over the kind and tender moments, hot sex, beers on the pier, relaxing massages... you get the point.  Appreciating each other and letting go of needless expectations is a challenge.  

I don't handle my most valued friendships with perfection requirements.  Why would I?  My guy and gal pals all have different ideas, mannerisms, traditions, beliefs, backgrounds, temperaments, etc.  My heart is so skilled at picking friends.  I crave connections with dynamic individuals that stand up for what they think.  Most of my buds and closest family members are known for speaking their mind and causing a stir... and I love them for it!  Sooooo.... here is my question:  If I fall in love with my besties for being different - why do I put my dates through the wringer when their quirks start to show?  I guess, it depends on the quirk - right?!?  Maybe, I am so afraid that one weird trait will just lead to another (hundred)?!?  Some of my past relationships have been peppered with bothersome and disturbing habits; not knowing how to wipe properly (ew!), biting the skin around their nails until it bleeds, flirting with other women in front of me, whispering (think Sir Hiss in Robin Hood) in my ear while in a group setting, not letting me leave the house if I showed too much cleavage, etc.  It's exhausting typing all of this shit.  I could go on for days.  BUT, my ex's have plenty to complain about too.  I have a hatred for doing dishes, I don't put the toilet lid ALL the way down, I have to sleep in some sort of clothing (socks in the winter), I prefer morning sex vs. evening, I don't like to share the bathroom when I am getting ready,  I get addicted to shows like Vampire Diaries, I meditate daily, I don't like the show Archer, I drink like a granny, I talk about MINI all of the time, I work too much... etc.  How could I ever expect someone to love that laundry list of "Rebecca-isms" and not pick up a serious pill popping habit?  Maybe, I am just hard to live with - period?  OR... maybe I need to accept my own quirks and enjoy being myself?!?  The right person won't view me as flawed.  Will they?

My most recent relationship just ended, which has left me spinning.  This is by far, the most dedicated I have ever been to someone.  I completely uprooted my life to "date" him.  Although, if you ask him, he knew we were meant to be together forever.  How could he know that?  Cary has been planning our future since day one.  I caught on pretty quickly when I arrived in Wisconsin.  He was so focused on the big picture, he forgot to live in the present with me.  It caused a lot of disagreements and lonely nights for both of us.  Do I have regrets about moving?  No way!  I love my fun job, my lakeside apartment and this wildly creative city.  Do I have regrets about the relationship?  Of course.  I know listening with an open mind would have been useful and I definitely could have been more accepting of our differences.  I read the quote below this morning (Thank you, Kristin) and it really resonated with me.  Even though, I know this break up is the right decision... I feel like I was kinda judgey at times.  I did not appreciate Cary for Cary.  There were so many scenarios I caught myself, wishing he was different.  I would like to be loved and appreciated for the person I am.  Cary deserves the same.  

Look out Madison - I am single!  Bring it! 
XO, Rebecca 
Well, it's been 6 months since my last entry.  A lot has happened.  I survived the coldest winter weather I have ever known and as it turns out... it was pretty brutal for all the Sconnies too.  The phrase "Wow, you moved at the wrong time of year!" has been said to me at least once a week.  I keep coming up with positive replies; "I like the adventure of keeping warm." or "It can only get better from this point on, right?" What the hell do people expect me to say?!?  "Fuck, you are telling me.  I cannot wait to get the hell out of here!" Psssshhhh...  it takes more than a measly -34 windchill to scare me away.  OMG!  I must be psycho!!  

Honestly, as cheesy as this will sound... I love my job so much, I did NOT care one bit about the weather.  I bundled up with 5 ba-jillion layers, hopped in my MINI and went to work.  My Dad raised me to drive through any weather condition.  We grew up in the middle of nowhere. No one ever plowed our driveway (other than my Dad) and no one scraped or cleared ol' Bethlehem Church Road.  We were lucky if we got a few sprinkles of lame ass salt, leftover from the real roads.  If we wanted to get to school or our jobs, we trudged right through the ice and snow.  It's good to learn those survival skills early in life.  It kept me from being afraid to take risks.  AND... it definitely allowed me to show up for my classes or my job, when other people pussied out.  Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely used a winter storm as an excuse before. There is nothing better than binge watching Sex and The City during a cold icy winter storm.  I love those lazy days!  But, I cannot stay indoors for too long.  In Madison, everyone is outside. They ride their bikes, run, ski and freaking glide on the ice, all winter.  Who cares if your sweat freezes on your face or your snot turns into ice cycles.... this is extreme fitness!!! 

Madison is a very health conscious city.  But, somehow I have gained weight.  I blame the beer and the cheese ( I am eating cheese right now).  Although, I know that it is really due to the fact that I have not been working out.  I keep counting sex as a work out, but I probably need to do more than hip thrusting and my kegel squeeze once a day.  You guys will never believe it, but I became a hermit!  I go to work and kick ass, only to come home and hide.  Not having my group of friends around me has been really hard.  I have lived and thrived in Louisville for almost 16 years.  To go out here and not see one pair of eyes in a crowd that I recognize has been like shock therapy for this social butterfly.  I feel like I am revirgin-izing.   There are words that come to mind; awkward, shy, uncomfortable, clumsy, loser, etc.   I hate it!  I made myself join a networking group here.  The surprising part - usually, I have to pump myself up or call Cary from outside the venue before I can actually go in.  This is SOOOO not me!!  I have always been able to function in any social environment, damn it!!! But, apparently... no, I can't.  

Sometimes I feel like I am all hot air.  I say how I want to; practice yoga, attend meditations, check out concerts, try wine dinners, but then I end up just going home.  SUCKER!  The one good thing about snuggling up with my pillows and my amazon prime or my netflix is that I have rejoined the living when it comes to watching popular programs.  I am all caught up on
Mad Men, Mr. Selfridge, Orange is the New Black and Scandal.  As I watched Orange is the New Black the other day, there was a moment between Morello (love sick/hopeless romantic/crazy stalker) and Rosa (wild/cursed/bank robber/dying from Cancer).  Morello was describing the movie Toy Story in such a unique way... it made it sound like a REAL story...."There was this cowboy and this astronaut!"  I wanted to go out and rent it!!!  Once they discovered she was referring to a made up cartoon - she felt embarrassed and apologized for how she viewed things in the world.  Rosa, who has a very different perspective on life, as she is dying, assured Morello that her uniqueness is what makes her GREAT!  It was a very touching and uplifting moment to witness.  It assured me of the importance of my own uniqueness.  It also reminded me of my friends and how different we all are.  I crave that! The diversity keeps things interesting and we will forever learn and grow from each other.  Bring it on Madison!!  Where are the weirdos?!? I want to be friends! 

So, don't be afraid to be your own little weird self.  You know the one.  The "self" that lives in your head most of the time and is afraid of what people might say if you come out.  Cut your hair the way you want, laugh at raunchy jokes if you want, get that one place pierced if you want, wear a suit to dinner if you want, drive too fast and take chances.  This advice applies to me too.  I will only be able to break my solo cycle if I put myself out there!!    

Cheers to....."TO INFINITY and BEEEEYYYONDDD!!!" 

P.S.  Louisville, I miss you so much.  I am not quite the same without you.  This break up is going to take some time to get over.   

Well, it's happened!  I have fallen in love... big time ...or should I say "MINI" time?!?  This picture is my lil family...on the road.  Me, Cary (Dane), Ida May and Hugh (my MINI).  We have been traveling so much over the past 6 months, especially Cary (and his "Iron MINI" - yes, he loves Iron Maiden... and I am dating him anyway) .  He finds time to come see me every other weekend.  I have driven to La Crosse three times, myself.  On my last trip to Wisconsin,  I interviewed for a position at MINI of Madison.  The thought of living so close to Cary and actually getting to see each other every week sounds stellar to me!  Not to mention, I would get to work for MINI again.  We would be 2 hours away from each other vs. 9.5hrs (no brainer).  The position at MINI of Madison is very unique and being created for me.  After a 2 hour interview and several phone calls, I accepted the job of "Event Advisor" this past Saturday.  In 2 short weeks, I will be moving to "Mad Town" for a dream job and a love filled relationship!  Pinch me please!!!!  

When I think about where I was this time last year, the self discovery and transition is incredible!!!  Last December, I started writing this blog to share my dating stories and my life with all of you.  It has been a struggle and a triumph.  There were so many opinions, comments and emotions that surfaced as a result of my writings.  This has pushed me to be more open, accepting and forgiving of my own actions.  As my new relationship grows into the most successful, happy and fulfilling one of my life - I want to write about it less and less, which surprised me at first.  Why wouldn't I want to share this process with everyone?  The answer I came up with is that; when things are this special.... I want to experience it, live it and protect it.... not necessarily share it, with the world.  I did not expect to feel this way, but I do.  I have even cut way back on facebook posts.  Cary does not have a facebook page, which I love about him.  He told me once that he chooses to stay connected with his friends and family the old fashioned way - by talking and hanging out.  I originally thought, whatever... social media and texting is a highly appropriate way to communicate and stay in touch.  I love communicating that way, but then I noticed how little I wanted to post and comment - knowing that Cary was not a part of it all.  

Soooo.... as a result...THIS social media Guru is hanging up her constant mobile uploads AND blogging.  Maybe it's my age, maybe it's my new relationship, but I am beginning to find comfort in my privacy.  I will still be a part of Facebook, Twitter and the like... just less active online.  

As I prepare for the biggest move of my life, I am thinking of ways to really connect with everyone I love.  Overwhelmed and overjoyed - does not even begin to cover my swirling emotions.  I will miss Louisville so much, but I am so excited to start this new journey.  

Cheers to the approaching holidays and New Year!  I am wishing you all the best.  I am sure I will check in on here from time to time, but Crushin On Lou (for the most part) is over.  It was a non-perfect year of learning and loving.  I tried to find the good to go along with each mistake.  I would not take back one kiss, one tear or one breakdown... it lead me to this moment - right now (and it is one fucking awesome moment - let me tell ya).  
XO, Rebecca              

Decisions.  I am faced with these little shits every day.  Isn't it amazing how easy it is for some of us to make choices that can lead down shiny sparkly paths, while the rest of us (me) take wrong turns.... maybe for the rest of our lives.  I keep asking myself lately - how can I make better decisions?  What constitutes a good choice anyway?  Is it the level of happiness it brings after the right move has been made or the new job has been accepted? Is it being rewarded with a bonus or promotion? Is it looking into the eyes of my boyfriend and feeling comfort and passion?  What about the pride and accomplishment of owning a brand new car or paying all of the bills on time?  Do I have to have a full roster lined up in a row with a red ribbon tied on top to feel like I am succeeding?  Can I have only a few pieces of the puzzle and look in the mirror each morning filled with confidence?!?!  The answer to that, in my opinion, is Hellz Yeah!  I gotta start somewhere and I think a little dab will do ya.  My team players might be different from the norm or need more muscle, but I will get there.  I don't remember getting a handbook that presented me with the steps to Do it the right way... cue the dramatic music here!  All I can do - is MY way.  Does this make me a hot mess?    

I've noticed how some of my friends and family make such healthy smart decisions.  I might even feel envious that it was so effortless and easy for them, at least it looks that way from the outside.  I guess, that is my point with this blog.  Who ever really knows what is RIGHT for me?!?  After all of the advice I have received over the years, I am still left asking myself questions like:  "Why can't I find a job that is right for me?" ,"When will I ever be caught up on my debt?", "Why can't I get paid for flirting?", "Can I really have 3 orgasms back to back?" ... oh wait.....sorry, my mind started wandering.  Anyway, I could sit around and speculate all day, but what good does that do?  I believe that I have to figure this life out for myself.  I cannot let what others think and feel stop me from being the indecisive, artistic, emotional, creative person I am.  There are times that I look at what I have accomplished in my life; artist, writer, media buyer, owner of 3 businesses, bartender, cook, account executive, social media guru, event planner, marketing manager, the MINI Maven and motoring advisor....  One might call me a JANE (if you will) of all trades, but a master of none.  I like to try things.. how else will I know?!?!  Is that a reckless way to live?  Is this upsetting to others that are close to me?  My Mom told me yesterday, "You have to be your arty creative self, Rebecca.  Writing and art is who you are.  If people stopped every time their art or writing upset someone, we'd have nothing."  That is why my Mom is the greatest Mom, EVER!

Of course, this topic applies to men, too.  I have thought a lot about my dating choices over the years and I know I've really messed up a few times.  Regret is a word I am very familiar with and understand completely.  But, if I had stayed with my rich ass Republican because it looked good from the outside and felt OK from the inside... to me, that is settling.  The same goes for the poor musician or the neat freak nature lover... I mean, the list goes on and on.  All I can say is that if it doesn't feel right... it doesn't fucking feel right.  Dane, my boyfriend now... feels soooo right.  It didn't at first, because I was so worried about how it would look.  Fuck that noise... look to who???  It's just a silly number and 10 years is not that big of a deal.  Especially, considering the fact that he does all of those little awesome things that I have always dreamed my guy would do.  He cooks dinner for me (steak, twice baked potatoes and grilled asparagus... with an Italian creme crepe covered in ganache - what what?!?!), he holds my face when we kiss, he is willing to try anything in bed and the best part of it all (besides his strong manly hands) - he loves me for me.  In this crazy ass world, that is as good as it gets peeps.  I have looked for a person that is sexual, into food, likes to laugh, loves music, wants to travel, has confidence, can handle me (put up with my shit), wants to shower with me, can get my clothes off after one kiss and loves me.... for so long.. you don't even know - well, some of you do.  AND... I found him (technically - he found me or MINI brought us together... whatevs)  It's still very new - only 6 months of actually knowing one another and 4 months of exclusive dating, but this PUMA is soaking up every second of this decision  - it could be the best one yet in my 36 years.  

Thoughts on the RIGHT decisions?  How many mistakes does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?  I know how many licks... but... I won't go there.  

I love you for being here, my readers and followers.  I get discouraged sometimes, but I don't want to stop fingers are way too happy dancing around on the keyboard.
XO, Rebecca             

It has finally happened.  After several months of thinking this might be the answer, I actually pulled up my big girl panties, took a deep breath and just fucking did it.  I moved in with my parents! Leaving MINI and moving out of my Germantown pad had to happen before the next phase of my life begins.  I don't know how to explain it to everyone, but I know in my gut that what is happening right now will lead to something better.

Being at home with my family is so comforting.  But, I will say that these walls and rooms hold so many memories for me.  I did not anticipate the waves of happiness and sadness to come over me, quite so often.  For example, as I took a shower yesterday I looked up and I saw the slightest edge of eggplant purple peeking out from underneath the new burnt orange paint that now lives on the wall.  The purple reminded me of my sweet love in my early 20's...we'll call him Petey. He painted the bathroom for my Mom.  Petey was always doing thoughtful things for me and my family.   He was the love of my life, or so I thought for the longest time.  When I met him at a concert on the Waterfront, I knew with one look into his pale green eyes that he and I were meant to be.  He knew it too.  We spent the next 5 years discovering that we WERE perfect for each other, hated each other, fought like crazy, laughed and danced until we were sore, made love a thousand times a day, loved each other more than I thought capable and hurt each other in ways that could never be repaired.  He was the first boy from Louisville I ever dated.  Petey was way too cool for me at the time.  He wore vintage clothes, had a gorgeous tattoo on his leg, drove a bad ass Jeep, could lay down music that he had written and most importantly he wrote poems and songs for me.  I was so corporate, prudish and snobby... I did not know how to appreciate him.  If we were to meet now, maybe we'd be the ideal match... but that ship has sailed.  My weirdness and style has finally caught up to his, but to be honest I have no idea what he is like now (besides married). We shared some of the most memorable moments of my life together.  I guess, our relationship is one that will stick with me as a reminder of who I am... and I can accept that some of my character comes from my time with Petey .  I know that I still drive on certain roads in the Highlands, because he showed me the way. 

The other room that has really gotten to me in this house happens to be the room I spend the most time in; my bedroom.  So many things occurred right here in this very spot.  Let's see...I heard my parents fight for the first time, I discovered my brother's dirty porno mags (no wonder I am such a perv), I started my period (which was so intense it stained the sheets and mattress), I lost my virginity to my high school sweetheart on the floor next to the bed (I remember saying "Let's do it again!" - when he finished - I have always been a horn ball people), I started writing a journal, I recited and recorded all of my lines to my first big role as Dolly in my high school play, one of my boyfriends tried to force me to have sex with him after we broke up (ass hole), my senior prom date called me the day after the prom to tell me he got back together with his ex (I loved getting that prom picture at school the following week - fucker), I hid from my college boyfriend (naked) in the closet after drinking too much, that same college boyfriend broke up with me a few months later and we both cried forever holding each other in my bed, I talked on the phone for hours with a boy I met at a bar who ended up being in my life for years to come as one of my great weaknesses.... all in the space of these four walls.  It's not like I am being haunted, but kind of...  Just like any girl growing up, discovering herself and finding love... I also found out about loss, heartbreak and disappointment.  I think what this room is reminding me - is how I always pick myself back up, move forward and uncover my strengths.  Isn't that what breaking down does for us?  It personally makes me stronger, wiser and more open to what feels right.  Fuck - after all the wrong I have experienced... I should know what I don't want.... geezus!  
So, I suppose being back here in this room is important for me.  It almost feels like a sacred place for me to harness my whole self and remember who I really am.  

Has anyone moved back with the rents in their 30's to re-group?  What happened?  

Cheers to memories and how they can turn us into the superhero's that exist when we put all of our powers on the table (the good and the bad).  Now, if I could only read minds... or see thru walls (or clothes, at least).

XO, Rebecca 

Change.  It's time for a change, in a big way.  How did I come to this conclusion?  Well, I noticed that I wasn't happy, I worked all of the time, I felt like a brain dead zombie when I should have been having laughs with my friends and I wanted to sleep instead of going out or having sex with Dane (THIS is a problem - I will say I quickly made up for my behavior - at least 8 times in one weekend... anyway).  Hello, I think I was slightly depressed.  I am not sure why I live on the edge of supremely happy OR borderline depressed, but I try really hard to lean toward the supremely happy most days.  It's hard to be gloriously smiley EVERYDAY.  I mean, have you ever tried it??  Try waking up and immediately grinning.  I would say I am pretty good at being jovial and my friends would definitely categorize me as a "Morning Person".... especially my girlfriend, Erin.  I believe I called her one morning bright and early sing talking "Good Morning Buttercup! Wakey Wakey!"  I think she was ready to kill me, but that is generally how I wake up.  

I have SOOO many things to be thankful for, but I find that I get caught up thinking of money I DON'T have, accomplishments I dream of making, risks I haven't taken and that conjures up sadness.  But, honestly - I have NOTHING to be gloomy about.  I listened to a comedian yesterday on my Jim Gaffigan Pandora station (best thing for a road trip - EVER)... he had a joke about how stupid we are, by we I am referring to Americans.  We find ways to complain about everything.  He was standing behind someone at the ATM and they were bitching because the ATM asked them to push ONE button choosing what language they'd prefer.  "UHHHHHGGGG.... why is this fucking machine making me push a button for my language???  I am AMERICAN!!!"  We are so spoiled and annoyed in general about how great we have it.  How lame is it that we gripe about the little wonders that make our life so easy.  We push a few buttons and this cool invention spits out money... I think that is fucking awesome.  Remember how we used to go inside the bank?  I recall getting left at the bank once as a child.  I was going after a second Dum Dum sucker and my Mom was in a hurry.  She thought I was in the car.  My sweet tooth... always getting me into trouble.  But, seriously, what will happen if the cushy life we know and love falls out from under us?  We won't have a clue what to do.  As I listened to him tell that story, I saw my own selfishness and spoiled brat behavior.  I can do a better job, damn it.  I don't have to have my favorite Pink Cupcake Coochie shave gel, I can just use my aloe soap (one small example that came to mind).    

I have a major transformation happening in my life and part of my change will be including thankfulness in a very prominent way.  Another part of my change is my actual address.  I moved this weekend.  As I packed up my Germantown house and loaded it into a 12 x 12 pod, I saw not only the furniture, artwork and memories piling up and fitting tightly into a wooden box.... I saw my friends and sweet boyfriend helping me.  I think in that moment I realized, it will never matter where my house is... I will always have a home within the arms of my friends and family.  (There is some moosh moosh for you on this fine Monday.)  A third change will be my need to control everything and be perfect.  As my friend Gary would say, I need to allow myself to color outside of the lines every once in a while.  I did catch myself being control freaky and robotic with Dane, as he lovingly helped me all weekend.  Fellow freaks can understand that having help with something as personal as moving... can be hard on us.  We are trusting others to touch, hold and lift items that we deem as precious.  GET OVER IT!!  It's just stuff!  Once I caught myself being a cold hearted jerk... I quickly let go of my tight ass ways and relaxed.  

Emotional growth and change is the most difficult of all, in my opinion.  AND.. I am in the middle of a slew of it.  I am sitting at Dane's apartment in La Crosse, WI all wrapped up in his comforter while he is working today.  Being here with him is so peaceful.  I like this whole love's kind of rad.  

Cheers to transformation.  Anyone experiencing their own butterfly rebirth out there?  I am in the wormy cocoon phase, my wings should be here shortly.  Watch out!!
XO, Rebecca        

A bad ass friend of mine posted a comment on my last blog that I found most interesting.  She compared people to Crockpots and Microwaves, when it comes to love.  Her analogy is that some of us (me) need time to cook, simmer, get cozy and all yummy before we can relax and be open to love, while others are like "BEEP" it's been a hot minute and I am ready!!  Neither is the right or wrong way to be... it's just how we are.  I used to be a Microwave and it did not really work out for me.  So, because of my quick, intense and "hot minute" past, I am trying to slow things down a bit.  It takes time for me to have faith, trust and feel comfortable with someone.  

Speaking of that... my Microwave of a boyfriend surprised me by driving all the way from Wisconsin to make sure I was O.K.  Even after I tried to break up with him last Monday.  Dane said he knew I was trying to "reboot" and "restart", but he didn't believe HE needed to be part of that clean slate I was craving.  His theory: I was taking the easy way out by saying Goodbye.  It made me sit up and look at how I have done things in the past.  Change is a frequent guest in my life, but what I am noticing is maybe that is not such a good thing for me (it could be considered emotionally crippling at times).  Embracing change can feel great and it's much better than cracking and crumbling when I find myself in a new situation....BUT I could honestly use a little less of it.  How about I break up with CHANGE instead of Dane. 

The last 2 years or more I have been craving something stable.  Stability could mean so many things to me; money, emotions, relationships and/or career.  What I learned this weekend is stability, right now at this very second, means LOVE.  Dane is here, next to me offering me love. I have to ask myself, "Do I tend run from love?"  Apparently, I do.  But, not this time.  When he arrived at my door late on Friday or I guess, technically early Saturday morning (2am - 9 hour drive - must be love) and crawled into bed with me, I knew I had been unfair in asking him to go back to Wisconsin and leave me alone.  His strong warm arms wrapped all the way around me and he buried his face into the back of my neck as we slept.  Love was flowing from his body to mine (it was really flowing when we woke up, hubba hubba...but anyway).  How could I ever have thought about letting this go?!?!  I knew that I loved Dane after a few short months, but would never say it - fearful of what would happen next.  Why would a young gorgeous man want to give up his life and move here for me, a flailing hot mess with nothing to offer but emotional baggage and an empty bank account?!?  Fear is such an ugly pain in my ass.  I cannot let it control me.  

When I got home from work on Saturday, Dane had the most beautiful flowers on my kitchen table with a handmade note for me.  It said, "I Love You."  My heart melted and I knew that I could say it back and he would not leave, run for the hills or tell me he wasn't feelin' it.  He wants to be here to hold my hand, kiss me good night, help me through sad times, laugh and enjoy life.  Nothing is ever perfect, but I have to give Dane a chance to show me what our story will be like.  I worry so much about history repeating itself when something feels good... but that is a bullshit way to be.  I am in love with a sweet boy that is spoiling me in ways that mean more than anything money could ever buy.  

Are you a Crockpot or a Microwave?  Do you need time to simmer into goodness like me?  OR do you JUST know what's up, quickly?  It feels good to accept what I need and how I am.  It will hopefully help me with this new relationship.  I'd love to feel really connected to someone and have it last.  I will say my last few major relationships were missing a DEEP connection.  I can tell Dane wants to share everything with me and I could definitely learn a lot from him.  

Cheers to LOVE!  Bring it!  
XO, Rebecca        

I remember thinking to myself recently.... will it ever be ENOUGH?!?  This could apply to anything... work, love, money, sex, etc.  Will I ever enjoy it, find it, make it, get it... enough??? Does anyone? Am I spoiled?  If so, how did I get this way?  

I had wine the other night with a dear friend of mine. She and I first met years ago in the ad world. We have been lucky enough to stay friends and keep in touch.  Sharing war stories of love and work has always been our thing... oh and laughing our faces off.  I was the Maid of Honor in her first wedding. We don't always agree and even had about a 6 month "friend break", but we recovered beautifully.  We've won volleyball tournaments together, drank many beers and traveled overseas.  I've had tremendous adventures and experiences with her.  Not everything was kitties and cupcakes though.  I will never forget the day I found out her first marriage was over.  I was completely crushed.  I think it took me weeks to deal with their break up.  I helped her pack and move out.  As I followed her truck filled to the brim with boxes - I cried the whole way.  To me, they were the perfect couple.  A little part of me died that day.  I thought - if these two cannot make it - I am fucked!!  

But, I didn't know everything about their relationship.  That's the thing about love stories... some are intense, but short... while others are a slow burn and last a life time.  She is now happily married with a little one.  "My husband and I never fight."  When she said that to me - I thought wow... I want that.  I want to just know, without a doubt that this is where I belong.  One of her secrets was the little things that bother her, like if he slurps his cereal... she just goes to the next room instead of telling him to cut that shit out.  She said, "I love him.  I am not going to pick on him."  How simple is that?!?!  I can do that... right?!?!  The other completely amazing thing she told me was that when she met her husband she had to realize what was in front of her, in the moment.... she took it slow and valued him.  Does anyone do that anymore?  Value anything?

It was so nice to catch up. I enjoy her perspective. She mentioned an article she had read about how hard my generation (Y) can be to please.  Is this true?  Because my Grandparents and my Parents told me I could do anything - am I a total disaster in the workplace and relationships?  Will I ever find something or someone good enough?  AND.. just for the record... I am absolutely one of those freaks who "follows my bliss".  Yes - I can say it... I follow my bliss, bitches.  Is that wrong?  If it leaves me without a savings account or retirement plan... then yeah... maybe.  

Listening to my friend's story, reading the article and looking at my life... I can see some areas that might need some time to develop.  Maybe Dane?  Did I jump the gun?  Flee at the first sign of imperfection?  He loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  Why am I pushing him away?  Because I think he is not stable enough?  Not old enough?  Not experienced enough?  When I type it out like that... it kind of seems dumb.  Maybe, I am not smart enough?!?  Things are changing daily for this gal.  I will keep meditating, thinking positive and moving forward.  I move out of my G-town house at the end of the month.  This has been the biggest month of transition yet in my life.... well....maybe?!?!  

Anyone else have thoughts on the slow burn vs. the intense beginning?  Dane, on his side of things, experienced total intensity, but I am a bit of a slow burner when it comes to him.... could that be a good thing? Help!

Cheers to friends and informative wine nights.  
XO, Rebecca 

High Risk? When I heard my boss say I was a high risk hire, it definitely stung.  (I will admit, it is not the first time I had heard someone call me that.)  It burned in my heart then quickly moved to my eyes and sure enough the tears began to fall.  As I tried to compose myself and catch the drops before I could taste their saltiness, I muttered... "I still have hope that I will find the right job."  Hope.  There is that word again.  Why does it always seem to haunt me?  Hope?!?  I try so hard not to say it, because it was really over used on this season of the Bachelorette, but damn it... I AM hopeful that everything will work out in the end.  I believe that it will, but after the last week and a half... it gets harder to keep the faith.  

I gave my two weeks notice at MINI.  I have loved this brand more than any other brand I have ever worked with.  It is truly YOU-nique (as they say).  I feel like I gave my complete and total self to this job, but if it's not the right fit - what can I do?!?!  The hours are unforgiving, the money was not present and I felt like I was constantly spinning my wheels (ha - no pun intended).  Even after they were kind enough to give me a raise, it still wasn't enough.  After 4 years of trying to be the event and marketing person, I realized they don't want an event person... they want a sales person.  It was an awesome ride and I have loved just about every second of it.  I walked out of there feeling a tremendous amount of loss, but also accomplishment.  I know what I bring to the table and even if I have had a million jobs before this and my resume is peppered with several 1 year job hops.  MINI was my focus for 4 years.  Risk is in my nature and I like that about me.  I risked a lot to take this job, but it was worth it.  How many people can look back on their life and say.... I am so glad I took that chance to work here or start my own business?!!?  I sure as hell can and I am very fucking proud of that.  There will be no looking back.  Bye MINI.  Clean slate.  Fresh Start.  

The other risk I took recently was trying to be in a long distance relationship with someone 10 years younger than me.  I struggled a lot with this at first, as you know.  Is it possible to date a hot young man that lives so far away?  I had to try.  We met at MINI U, for Pete's sake.  It was fate.  It felt amazing to be pursued.  He spoke of grand plans and romantic feelings.  I was in heaven... but THEN after 7 weekends and 2+ months of getting to know each other... I wasn't.  I realized, the thing about plans is that they are not happening... they have YET to happen.  His plans, as wonderful as they sounded were not in my present - they were in his future.  For a 26 year old, I'd say he was right on course.  I was preparing for a very big personal growth journey when I was around that age.  I have no doubt that he will get to where he wants to be, but this Puma does not have time to wait around.  I realized I need more stability.  Dane is such a dreamer and risk taker himself, which I love (he is very much like me).  BUT, I cannot date someone like me!  Two dreamers will float and never become grounded.  I crave roots and to be settled down, yet thirst for new adventures.  My passion leads me around through life, it always has... but I cannot partner up with my twin.  Even though Dane was sensible and comforting in a lot of ways, he was also two clicks too hyper for me.  I am very dialed down lately.  I enjoy relaxation and calmness.  I will miss his sweet face, deep voice, sexual nature, warm hands, soft lips and overall intensity....oh oh.. and his COCKtails... simply delicious (always wanted more).  Having a man want me as much as he does fills my body, mind and soul with such happiness.  It's just too fucking bad that I don't feel the same way for him.  We are at two different levels of life.  At least I am secure enough to realize it.  Bye Dane.  Clean Slate.  Fresh Start. 

Two big losses in one week weighs heavy on my heart, but I feel confident I will come out on top and right where I need to be.  

Any risk takers out there that bask in the light of their choices?  Is it silly to be hopeful at this point?  Can a 36 year old meet her soul mate and discover what she wants to be when she grows up?       

Cheers to what's next....

Life lessons are happening to me a lot lately.  For example, I am learning all about my "comfort zone" and how many instances I choose to stay in the nice pillowy softness of my so called comfort or blase' zone versus letting go and diving into uncharted interesting waters.  Just this past week I had a girl "friend" tell me she had a crush on me, right after she ran her hands up the back of my dress and squeezed my ass, my boyfriend gave a neanderthal across the table a compliment about how much he resembled an attractive actor and I tried edible strawberry cheesecake lube.  Hellz yeah!  Never a dull moment.

These three stories stand out to me.  First, being felt up by friends can happen any ol' time - especially after several cocktails.  I have actually humped one of my besties while explaining what I'd like to do to a young hottie that we all know.  It was NYE, I was hammered and this dude is smoking HOT!  But, anyway... this Rebecca ass grab was followed by the words "I have a crush on you."  What is more flattering than that?!?!  I felt a little odd when she was explaining it, maybe because I have a boyfriend who I adore and the thought of being with anyone else just seems weird (besides Hugh Jackman - don't get all crazy)... but then I thought maybe it was because I cannot reciprocate the crush-i-ness?!!?  I have had numerous crushes in my life.  The buzz of secretly wanting someone can be intoxicating.  Seeing them out and about unexpectedly is such a treat.  I know that she does not want me romantically... or at least I don't THINK she does.  She was honestly just crushin on me as a person not as tits on toast.  The cheek squeeze could not be helped... I did look cute in my sundress, tights and flops.  It was a huge compliment and I love that she was bold enough to tell me.  It is inspiring to witness truth slipping from someone's lips.     

The second thing was Dane being a little enamored by a meat head sitting across the way.  He noticed him as soon as we sat down.  He said, "Babe, doesn't that guy look like an actor?"  I took one glance and thought - ew... he looks like a frat boy nightmare.  Dane went as far as asking me to Google the actor from "Workaholics" and show this jerk face.  Of course, the cave man was taken a back by another dude pointing out that he found him attractive like an actor... "See... you look like him, but you have bigger muscles."  Dane has zero filter when he gets a little sauced.  He has never met a stranger and wants to share the happiness he is feeling.  You might call us "TEAM CHEESER FACE".  We are disgustingly adorable.  It's actually kind of sweet, but not everyone understands this kind of joy.  I was having a little trouble myself.  Why is Dane complimenting strange men?  I learned this is not Dane's issue, it is mine.  Who cares what other people think?!?  He was trying to be nice.  Did he take it too far?  Maybe.  BUT, there are much worse things in life than dating a super lovey talkative man.  I need to loosen up AND lighten up while I am at it.  I realized I am so worried about what other people think all of the time.  Control Freak 101: Control your surroundings (which is dumb and impossible).  I cannot administer what other people think and do.  Dane inspires me to let my hair down and enjoy the moment.  I will be randomly praising you, my friends - get ready.  Let's pass on the goodness.

Lastly, I think you all know ... I am not a prude, BUT I will admit I can be funny about sex toys and lubes.  I've not really been into it much, with a partner.  Meeting Dane and being so self aware and confident with him has put me in a new category of... "hey, let's try this."  I LOVE that feeling.  Strawberry Cheesecake lube from Pure Romance (which is edible and delicious by the way) is just the "tip" of the iceberg.  Having a partner in life that is just as adventurous, if not more so... forces me to notice the circle of life that exists outside of my cushy zone.  Being uncomfortable a few times this weekend really brought me closer to Dane and to knowing myself.  Could awkwardness lead to confidence in some strange way?  I tend to look around the room and monitor everyone's happiness levels.  Can I help improve the mood?  Should I tell a joke, fill someone's glass, clear a plate?  My restaurant and hostess habits kick in.  It's time to spend less time worrying about everyone else and keep my eyes on the prize.  The best part -  is that the prize -  is me.  If I am happy.... everything else will just fall into place.

So, a big cheers to what lives outside of our own comfort.  I want to go there... more often.  It really IS where the magic happens.  Who doesn't love magic (especially with edible lube)?!?

XO, Rebecca